Grief: Moving On After a Loss
Few things are more painful than losses. A close friend dies, your spouse asks for
a divorce or your company goes bankrupt and you feel horrible. Many people still
feel the grief from losses in the past: a childhood pet that ran away, the death
of a grandparent, the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a failed career, a horribly bad
investment and so on.
Drugs, alcohol or just waiting for the loss to stop hurting are not solutions.
For example, Jim and Nancy fall in love at their first high school dance. They
see each other every day and talk on the phone every night. Jim looks forward to
their marriage and a life together.
The day after their high school graduation, Nancy says, “I’m sorry Jim, but I
want to date other guys now. Please don’t call me again.”
Jim pleads, yells and sulks. He tries text messages, flowers and cards. He talks
to Nancy's family and friends. Nothing changes Nancy's mind. He asks himself
every hour, “How can I get her back? Why did she really leave me? What did I do
Jim stops eating, stops smiling and refuses to talk to his friends. He loses
interest in life and spends hours each day watching television.
His mother tells him not to worry. “Time heals all wounds.”
But after a few months, Jim is not over his loss. He can't get Nancy out of his
mind. Time heals nothing.
A friend says, “You need to wash away your troubles with some beer!” So Jim
gives it a try. Jim feels better . . . for an hour. Then he sees a girl with
hair like Nancy's and gets tears in his eyes. Another beer makes it worse. The
next morning, Jim realizes beer is no solution.
Another friend says, “The best way to get over Nancy is to find a new
girlfriend!” So Jim goes out on a date with Jill. Her perfume reminds him of
Nancy, her laugh sounds like Nancy's. He wants to go home and just think about
Nancy. The date is a disaster.
Jim sees an ad on depression. “Of course,” Jim thinks, “I need professional
help.” So he goes to a psychiatrist who gives him a prescription. Even though
the pills make him feel wooden, Nancy is still on his mind, 24 hours a day.
The psychiatrist tells Jim's dad that Jim needs to take the pills forever. Jim’s
dad gets angry and throws away the pills. He tells Jim, “Just get over it!” Jim
goes to his room and cries.
L. Ron Hubbard discovered these two ways to resolve the emotional pain of a loss.
1. Release the Stuck Attention
After a loss, many people cannot get on with their lives. All they can think
about is the loss. Their attention is fixed or glued to the loss.
You can help them feel much better and move on by
doing the following:
“Tell the person you are going to help them. Tell him or her, ‘Find something
that isn't reminding you of ______ (name of person he or she lost).’
“Repeat the command, getting the person to find something else that is not
reminding him or her of the person until he or she has a realization and feels
better about the situation.
“This simple procedure can help the person recover from his or her lost love and
begin to live again.” -- L. Ron Hubbard
You decide to help Jim get over his break up with Nancy. You say, “Let me help
you get over Nancy, okay? Here we go. Find something that isn't reminding you of
Jim looks around the room for a little while. “That mirror doesn't remind me of
You say, “Okay” and repeat the instruction: “Find something that isn't reminding
you of Nancy.”
You say “Okay” and repeat the command: “Find something that isn't reminding you
“The couch. Oh, Nancy sat there. I sure miss her. Okay, that box of crackers.”
“All right. Find something that isn't reminding you of Nancy.”
“That plant. . . .”
After answering this question 50 times, Jim's eyes become bright and he smiles.
“Nancy who? To heck with that. I feel better! Let's get something to eat.”
In some cases, this procedure might take a few hours to work, but if you
persist, your friend will snap out of the loss.
The technique works equally well with the loss of a job, a business, money --
anything you or the person you are helping has lost.
By the way, the procedure above is one of
hundreds of counseling processes discovered by L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics is
another type of counseling procedure that you can use to improve your life and
to assist others.
2. Erase the Emotional Pain
Harmful memories are stored in the mind at a conscious and unconscious level.
These memories ruin marriages, careers and your confidence. They cause unfounded
fears, unreasonable anger and irrational behavior.
You carry this mental baggage wherever you go. They pop into your mind when you
least want to think about them. Harmful memories cause you to act in ways that
are not really YOU.
Dianetics eliminates the influence of these destructive memories. The Grolier
Encyclopedia defines Dianetics as: “A form of counseling for curing emotional
and psychosomatic illnesses and enhancing life” (psychosomatic illnesses: health
problems stemming from the mind).
When you receive Dianetics counseling, you talk about your past in a certain way
until the emotional pain vanishes. The depression, grief and anxiety caused by
losses disappear forever.
When you reduce the emotional pain of memories, you enjoy these benefits:
* More energy
* Increased courage
* Interest in new activities
* More self-confidence
* Higher intelligence
* Better health
* Reduced need for drugs or alcohol
* Less fear of failure
* Greater success
To learn more about Dianetics, check out