Moving Past Grief
Jim and Nancy fall in love at their first high school dance. They see each other every day and talk on the phone every night. Jim looks forward to their marriage and a life together.
The day after their high school graduation, Nancy says, “I’m sorry Jim, but I want to date other guys now. Please don’t call me again.”
Jim pleads, yells and sulks. He tries letters, flowers, cards. He talks to Nancy’s family and friends. Nothing changes Nancy’s mind. He asks himself every hour, “How can I get her back? Why did she really leave me? What did I do wrong?”
Jim stops eating, stops smiling, refuses to talk to his friends. He loses interest in life, cries every day and just watches TV.
His mother tells him not to worry. “Time heals all wounds.”
But after a few months, Jim is not over his loss. He can’t get her out of his mind. Time heals nothing.
A friend says, “You need to wash away your troubles with some beer!” So Jim gives it a try. It seems to help! Jim feels better . . . for an hour. Then he sees a girl with hair like Nancy’s and gets tears in his eyes. Another beer makes it worse. The next morning, Jim realizes beer is no solution.
Another friend says, “The best way to get over Nancy is to find a new girlfriend!” So Jim goes out on a date with Jill. Her perfume reminds him of Nancy, her laugh sounds like Nancy’s. The music reminds him of Nancy. He wants to go home and just think about Nancy. The date is a disaster.
Jim loses interest in school. A counselor gives him a booklet on depression. “Of course,” Jim thinks, “I need professional help.” So he goes to a psychiatrist who gives him a prescription. The pills make him feel wooden, but Nancy is still on his mind most of the time.
The psychiatrist tells Jim’s dad that Jim needs to take the pills forever. His dad gets angry and throws away the pills. He tells Jim, “Just get over it!” Jim goes to his room and cries.
Failure, loss and death are parts of life. You lose pets, jobs, businesses, homes, friends, lovers and family members. Major losses can change your life forever. For most people, the only options to the pain are drugs, alcohol or time, none of which really help.
L. Ron Hubbard discovered two ways to get on with your life after a loss.
1. Shift Your Attention
You can help someone whose attention is on a loss by asking this question over and over.
“Tell the person you are going to help them. Tell him or her, ‘Find something that isn’t reminding you of ______ (name of person he or she lost).’
“Repeat the command, getting the person to find something else that is not reminding him or her of the person until he or she has a realization and feels better about the situation.
“This simple procedure can help the person recover from his or her lost love and begin to live again.” — L. Ron Hubbard
You decide to help Jim get over his breakup with Nancy.
You tell Jim, “Let me help you get over Nancy, okay? Here we go. Find something that isn’t reminding you of Nancy.”
Jim looks around the room for a little while. “That mirror doesn’t remind me of Nancy.”
You say, “Okay” and repeat the instruction: “Find something that isn’t reminding you of Nancy.”
You say “Okay” and repeat the command: “Find something that isn’t reminding you of Nancy.”
“The couch. Oh, Nancy sat there. I sure miss her. Okay, that box of Cheerios.”
“All right. Find something that isn’t reminding you of Nancy.”
“That plant . . .”
After repeating this question a few dozen times, Jim’s eyes become bright and he smiles. “Nancy who? To heck with that. I feel better! Let’s get something to eat.”
While it might take a few minutes or a few hours, Jim will snap out of it.
The technique works equally well with the loss of a job, a business, money—anything you or the person you are helping wants to stop thinking about.
2. Erase the Emotional Pain
Harmful memories are stored in the mind at a conscious and unconscious level. These memories ruin marriages, careers and your confidence. They cause unfounded fears, unreasonable anger and irrational behavior. You carry this mental baggage wherever you go. Harmful memories cause you to act in ways that are not really YOU.
Dianetics eliminates the influence of these destructive memories. The Grolier Encyclopedia defines Dianetics as: “. . . a form of counseling for curing emotional and psychosomatic illnesses and enhancing life” (psychosomatic illnesses: health problems stemming from the mind).
When you receive Dianetics counseling, you talk about your past in a certain way until the emotional pain stops. The depression, grief and anxiety caused by your memories are gone forever.
You can learn more about Dianetics at dianetics.org.
When you reduce the emotional pain of memories, you enjoy these benefits:
* More energy
* Increased control
* Interest in new activities
* More self-confidence
* Higher intelligence
* Better health
* Reduced need for drugs, alcohol or medicine
* Less fear of failure